Sleep...Don't Take it For Granted

I used to sleep great. Now, not so much. In fact, a few years ago I could have fallen asleep on the tarmac of an airport with jet engines going off and a metal briefcase for a pillow and I would have grabbed 8, maybe 9 hours and felt great. Now? Sleep ain't so good.

I had my regular physical last month and my doc decided to send me to a Sleep Diagnostic Center since I've been tired too much lately even after 8 hours of slumber with 1000 count sheets, a goose down comforter, at least 6 pillows to strategically use to build a "sleep fort" and a fan to keep me cool at night.

A Sleep Center certainly isn't something my father's generation would understand. I guess I can't blame them - "The Greatest Generation" learned to sleep in foxholes, on battleships, in jungles, under the ocean in a submarine, smoked cigs without filters, drank black coffee and came back with tattoos of naked ladies on their forearms after kicking not on Hitler ass but the Japs too. These guys are and always have been the coolest dudes around. It's pathetic that I have to get tested for a sleep disorder compared to those guys.

Okay, for those of you who don't know what a sleep center is all about, you are going to find out right now.

A technician hooks up about 16 doohickeys to one's body. 4 on the head, 1 on your index finger, 2 on the face near the eyes, one on the jugular vein area, some on the chest, upper and lower legs, and way too much stuff around ones nose and mouth. This is to measure breathing and whether or not you breathe more through you mouth or nose. It takes about a half hour to get all the wires and diodes connected. I looked at the guy and quipped, "hey, I feel like an astronaut." He didn't laugh. Tough crowd.

The rooms are equipped with a single twin bed - it's a normal doctors office during the day, and the bed folds up into a wall. For some reason, before going, I envisioned row after row of bleary eye fat guys living dormitory style for a single night in a big gym wathcing a movie before dozing off. Nope. We all get our own crib. Me? I need a night light but not for the boogeyman. If I wake in a strange place in the middle of the night and can't make out up or down or where the hell I am, I usually panic like a whore in church. I pulled the blinds up a titch and got a nice beam from the sodium vapor lights in the next door parking lot.

Now all the wires sort of gather near the back of one's head to be plugged into a larger contraption that fortunately isn't manufactured by Acme (Wiley Coyote's preferred vendor). Once plugged in, the tech goes, "Okay, buzz if you need anything." Falling asleep was a tad more difficult than at home but I managed to do it. I woke up a number of times having pulled all sorts of wires out only to be scolded to keep them on. Like I know what I'm doing when I'm asleep? Once I called out because baby needed water. LOL

5am rolled around and I'm out of there. Some 815 pages of data was compiled - I don't know if that's good or bad? I got home at 530am and went back to bed. I get my results next week. I may have sleep apnea - if I do I would need to wear a mask that hooks up to an oxygen machine to make sure my body gets enough O during the night. The video camera in the room isn't for the sleep test, it's too keep everyone honest and ensure no hanky panky goes on....with a twin bed in a sleep center? What is the world coming to?

So....to those of you who don't sleep well, or snore and keep your partner awake, nightime can be difficult, stressful, and sleepless.


I gotta go take a nap now.