Torture on I-15 (and Spoiler Alert)

Janae and I were driving back from Park City yesterday and the journey was not without some drama. A married couple crammed into a vehicle for 6+ hours...well, you get the point. But's that wasn't the torturous part of the drive...really honey.

I have now also discovered a new method for the United States Military to torture the enemy: Make them listen to that stupid Twilight Series Werewolf and Vampire garbage. More on this below.

At first, Janae tried to coax me into hopping a plane back home because she knew I loathe driving farther than the golf course. The SLC-LV drive reminds me of what it would be like when mankind travels to Mars one day. I get impatient and antsy. An astronaut I am not.

The sun was out, the weather was perfect, and I just felt like spending time with Janae. My intentions were just.

The first hiccup was the baby shower envelope fiasco (and I even helped stuff and lick the envelopes!). This happened in the early afternoon when the first place we drove to, a UPS store, already had their mail pickup for the day. If Janae had left the envelopes there (gasp), they wouldn't have been mailed out UNTIL THE NEXT DAY. That was unacceptable. Etiquette demands that shower invites be mailed at least one week prior to the event (but no more then two). Who knew we were so inflexible?

In sum, my drive just got longer. We had to find a post office. That odyssey is easily explained thusly: One will most always pass one or more post offices during the course of any given day EXCEPT when you really need to find one. Then forget it.

We drove all over Draper, and Lehi before I found another UPS store with a USPS truck parked in front of it. The guy was there for the pickup!!!! I nearly tackled the him. Crisis avoided. Hopefully the invites arrived prior to the magical one-week mark or else we have to give back our Martha Stewart tablecloth and napkin set.

Next up....Janae wanted to listen to a book on tape/DVD. This manner of entertaintment is completely foreign to me. I either read a book or watch a movie. Not once have I ever bought or listened to a book. That just doesn't sound right. Pun intended.

Janae was excited to catch up on this "Twilight Series" stuff. I was vaguely aware of the books. She turned on the player and we found Bella at her new house in the woods AFTER the baby was born. Her father Charlie was heading over to see Bella, Edward and Renesmee...who, for a baby, seems to have quite a nose for human blood.



So that's what this series of books is all about....Vampires, and Werewolves living up in Washington State. I suspect the reason this series is popular in my sphere is because the author is Mormon. Apparently, this makes the book okay to read. The same logic applies to voting for Mitt Romney, liking Steve Young, and putting up with the Osmonds.

What is interesting to me is the blantant sexuality that the book dispenses about a young girl, Bella, and her boyfriend/vampire Edward. There are sentences in there that made me blush and that is hard to do (no pun intended). There have been reports that the romanticsm of these books has led more than one young gal to aspire to herself become a vampire. Me at 17? I wanted be Han Solo.

This torture lasted for a few hours.....I can't remember what exactly happened to the Cullen crew although I found the writer to be overly generous with her use of adjectives to describe the scenes I listened to. That's confusing. Sort of like rap below....

Late Last Night in the Middle of the Day
Two Dead Boys Got Up to Play
Back to Back They Faced Each Other
Drew Their Swords and Shot Each Other
A Deaf Policeman Heard This Noise
And came and shot those Two Dead Boys
If You Don't Believe This Lie is True
Ask the Blind Man He Saw it Too