Golf & The Perfect Cart Girl

A modern twist on an old game makes for some interesting golf outings.

For decades now, golfers have become accustomed to seeing a slightly larger version of their own golf cart filled with beverages, snacks, smokes, and food meandering around the golf course. A veritable mini-mart on wheels - The Beverage Cart.

It's never about what's on the cart as much as it's about WHO is driving it. This makes for interesting discussion during a round.

I've determined without any real statistical analysis that the following types of beverage cart attendants exist in the world today:

1. The School Mom Cart Girl (SMCG) is older - maybe late 30's, has kids in school, is efficient, remembers your name and maybe even your member number too. She knows what your favorite beverage is and has it ready when she rolls up to your cart and is generally looping the course until her shift ends - maybe even longer. These types are a rare breed.

2 The Bimbo Cart Girl (BCG) is the exact opposite of the SMCG operator. She's tries to flirt but it always ends up awkward. She can't remember your name, often can't find the door to leave at night, wears her uniform too tight, and overdoes the whole, "Can I get you anything," routine. This type of cart girl NEVER balances her cart at the end of a shift. Fat, old drunk guys (like Ted Kennedy) love this kind of cart girl.



3. The Young Ambitious Cart Girl (YACG)is in her early 20's, putting herself through school and is simply a younger version of the FACG but with a better career path in mind. These types generally don't joke around much and are cold-bloodedly efficient in their work. Frankly, while dependable as the day is long, they are rather boring and we golfers tend to snicker at their uber professionalism.

4. The Male Cart Girl (MCG). An oxymoron if there ever was one, huh? This is the worst possible scenario on a golf course. Scores will skyrocket since all focus on one's game is lost due to the constant question that lingers the entire round long, "What's a guy doing driving the beverage cart?" It's the golf equivalent of a male nurse, or a male hairstylist. It's just wrong man.

5. The Flight Attendant Cart Girl (FACG). This is the matronly cart girl who is past her prime - sort of like all of the flight attendants on Delta and American Airlines. Their personalities were surgically removed years ago, they speed around the course like it's a video game. They like to pretend not to see you if you don't wave them over and have zero personality. The FACG's tend to be older than the SMCG and are protected from being dismissed since they know where all the bones are buried at the club.....and believe me, with all the shenanigans going on behind the cart barn, their jobs are safe until the day they die.



6. The Perfect Cart Girl (PCG). Yesterday we ran into not one but two PCG's. These are rare sitings - they are the golf equivalent of an endangered species. Sleek, young, tan, pretty, flirtatious, funny, touchy/feely (but in an awkward way), makes loop after loop around the course like a plow horse, and has that semi-sluttiness act that earns them triple the tips of #'s 1-5 above. Easily the finest cart girls on the planet but damn hard to find. Our new GM is an Aussie so maybe he imported them from down under but I couldn't detect an accent. I knew we were in for a treat when on the first hole, the heretofore unknown PCG pulled up next to my Brother-in-Law's cart and says, "Hey Love Muffin." My head snapped around so fast my C-4 and C-5 vertebrae are still sore 24 hours later. She had all the lines...but since we don't drink like the other 100 golfers out on the course, she held no power over us. Her tractor beam could not pull us in however we had a hilarious time from that point on just making up stuff. I was going to ask her, "Where do you dance at night?" I mean c'mon, "Love Muffin?" My brother-in-law will NEVER live that one down. We howled with laughter and our games suffered as a consequence.




Conclusion

I've determined that in order to play a good round of golf, the following are required:

1. A good group of guys. A foursome provides enough trash-talking and ribbing AND pace of play that is therapeutic and permits complete relaxation and focus.



2. A good day. For golfers, this is defined usually as "any day" however I must confess that playing in the wind generally sucks. The heat and the cold don't bother us. A little spot of rain isn't a big deal - even the occasional downpour is doable, but the wind is the 'X' factor that often determines if we tee up or not.

3. Cart Attendant #1. Utterly forgettable yet efficient. Keeps us from getting hungry or thirsty and doesn't try and work us. Talks about her kids (and we love kids), and their dreams. A proud momma.....and then she disappears for another 4 or 5 holes. Perfect.


Oh, and hitting 'em straight always helps too.