Oh the Pain of It All

I was up early today and headed to my spine specialist for an 8:30am appointment. What on earth am I doing going to a spine doctor you ask? Well, for quite some time I've experienced back pain ranging from moderate to severe-stand-up-straight-and go "Whoa, that hurt," pain for about the past 5 years (Golf injury getting progressively worse).

After years of stretching and an admitted lame attempt at rehab for exercising of the back and core muscles, I sought the help of trusted Doc Eells. He suggested an x-ray and MRI. For me this would have to be done in the afternoon since I'm bad at mornings, and afternoons were usually scheduled for golf so getting an actual diagnosis proved to be a difficult task that spanned 18 months - hey, I'm a busy guy. Plus, in my mind, my spine looked like the pipes under the sink - all curvy and whatnot. I just didn't care for it to be confirmed medically.

A few weeks ago, after all the tests were done, I met with a spine specialist, the wonderful Jorg Rosler whose German training is as precise as the engineering in any Porsche.

Jorg pulled out the MRI and held it up to the light and proceeded to show me where two of my discs were poking out of my spine ever so slightly. These two rascals were what were causing me fits and making me feel OLD. Jorg gave me a couple of shots in my rear-end before I left for Mexico, prescribed some meds, and said, "Have a good time, see you when you get back." He sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Haha.




So today was the day for my spinal injection. To say I was floored when he said, "The anesthesiologist will be in shortly to start your catheter," would be an understatement.

"Hold on Doc, I thought you were just giving me some shots, uh, like last time," I managed to spit out.

He laughed. "No, no, no....those shots were nothing, today we are injecting right into your discs."




Uh oh, discs as in PLURAL? This meant not just one shot either. I asked him, "Do I have to go under? Can't I just get a local anesthetic and have you do it?"

He paused, and sort of hemmed and hawed, "Well, if you want to." Remember, he sounds like the Governator.

"Will it hurt?" I croaked.

"You should be fine Keith."

Okay then. I was going to get some shots in my back. I let out a big sigh and started to lift up my shirt and he chuckled, "No, not here, we are going to the procedure room."

"But this is where you did the other shots," I said. He laughed some more. Good crowd.

I followed him down a long hallway until we entered what appeared to be a small operating room. This was "The Procedure Room." Maybe that's the term Germans use for operating room?

I met the anesthesiologist who wasn't too happy at losing out on $800 bucks since I wasn't going under.

He was a real kick. "Just using local huh?"

"Yeah." I figured, it was just a needle - it couldn't hurt that much although since everyone I had bumped into said, amusingly, the same thing, "You're not using anesthesia?"

I immediately began to second guess my decision on the meds but I was already face down with my shirt pulled up and pants yanked down exposing the small of my back. "No biggie," I thought, this will be over soon and I can go grab some breakfast."

When the first needle when in I felt fine, until it kept going in. OUCH.

"Anyone ever tell you that you have a deep back?" Jorg blurted. By now the pain was searing.

"Uh, no, never, not really but maybe that's what makes my ass look so good." Everyone laughed except me. The pain was making me sweat.

Jorg had moved on to the 2nd injection. More sweat. Waves of nausea began to come over me. Uh oh.

"I need a longer needle," Jorg quipped.

"You're kidding right?"

"No."




I could feel the needle being pulled out only to learn that he was only HALFWAY done. Holy Smokes! I told him, "Mach Schnell!" which is "hurry up" in German. I'd learned this on Hogan's Heroes.

Jorg began to sense he was losing me to blacking out and asked me a bunch of stupid questions. "Who's your favorite football team?" "EEEEEEAGLES....YOURS?"

3rd needle just being pulled out.

"BREATHING IS NOT OPTIONAL KEITH," said Jorg, loudly.

4th needle going in. More sweat. More nausea. "What the..."

Then, I felt the needle being pulled out. We were done. I reached under the headrest to push my eyeballs back into their sockets, and managed to pulled myself up.

"You did great Keith,"echoed throughout the room. Me? I wanted to vomit.

I then said, "Next time I'm going under." Everyone busted up. Some dude came to push me into recovery and the lady there looked at me funny.

I said, "I guess I don't need recovery since I didn't go under."

She eyed me again with all of her 60 plus years of wisdom and said, "I need to take your vitals."

I'll be back there on February 13th for another round of shots including an epidural that should last for several months.

I'm going under.

Way under.