It Ain't Easy Being Me

The Story of Two Cities and Keith Towing a Trailer.

Since Alec and Tiffany are moving for medical school next week her baby shower was held yesterday in Las Vegas. My job was to rent a trailer to haul all the shower booty up to Utah. Easy right? Nope.

Baby furniture that had been ordered was also delivered here and needed to be in Salt Lake by next week so it could be moved to Reno the week after.

This is generally a simple task except that the second I become involved in anything even moderately complicated, the wheels sort of fall off.

The SUV has a tow package but since I don't tow anything these days and absolutely, positively hated, hated, hated towing the boat back in the day I really thought my "trucking" days were behind me once and for all. Nope.

Of course waiting until the last possible day to hook up the tow sleeve and wiring could be construed as procrastination on my part but not really. I mean I should have just been able to pop off the plastic cover, insert the ball and hitch and meet the fat guy at U-Haul. Nope.

Taking the plastic cover off was easy - took me two minutes. "Uh oh," I said. There wasn't an electrical hookup in sight. Okay....I found the manual which nowadays is about as thick as a phone book and went straight to the index, found "towing" and flipped to page 294 where I was told all sorts of things except for where the wiring coupling is. Meanwhile, it's 9am and already 90 degrees. I've been underneath the vehicle getting filthy and now I'm sweating profusely. Time to go to the dealership.

I pulled into the long service line and decided that since I'm me and don't wait in line, immediately pulled out in the exit lane, moved to the front of the line and said to the guy who was looking at me like, "Who the hell are you?" - "This will just take a minute." It wasn't like I needed an oil change or something. He barks at me to pull over so I threw the car in reverse and nearly caused an accident - horns blaring, tempers flaring....I managed to keep my cool. I told the guy my plight and within 5 minutes a mechanic had be all set up. Whew. Lexus rocks. On to U-Haul.

The fat guy wearing a belt and suspenders with short pants was my first clue something was amiss. Yes they rented U-Haul stuff but there were more like a storage facility. The rental stuff was a side-job for them. We located the trailer and I backed up precisely to the right spot, hopped out of the car, looked at the trailer hitch and uttered, "uh oh." The car has a round electrical coupling while the trailer has a rectangular one. "Hey Mike, you guys sell converters?" (me thinking this would be something that comes up frequently). "Nope." You have to get those at an auto parts store.

AutoZone, Las Vegas, NV.....the line of guys was 3 deep at each register and none of them looked like they were moving. All had assorted parts in one hand and were describing their folly to bored, poker faced clerks. This was going to take awhile. Of course I scrambled around the store trying to locate the part myself, but since this was probably the first time in 2 decades that I had been to an auto parts joint, mission failure was a given. After 15 minutes an older guy stares at me, looks at the inscription on my t-shirt "Varsity Physics" and repeats the slogan. I said, "Yup." As if this guy knew jack about the Haldron Collider. He hooked me up and there I was, underneath the car in the parking lot of AutoZone fiddling with an electrical coupler. I felt like a real car guy.....all the while laughing at my plight.

Back at the U-Haul, Mike was ready for me. In addition to the belt and suspenders, he now was wearing a back brace.

Hmmmmmmnnnnn....I thought to myself.

Apparently it takes two guys to lift the hitch up and manuever it onto the ball. Heavy sucker. I looked around for the other U-Haul guy.... and it was me.

We heaved on the count of three and managed to hoist the hitch onto the ball.....as I felt the discs in my lower vertebrae; L-4 and L-5, pop out. Ouch.

As with any towing job, the attempted coupling didn't take. Mike thought the ball was too big and I'm thinking, "Isn't there just one size ball man? Why is this so damn complicated?"

I said to Mike, "Just jump on the thing and it'll go in." We used to do this all the time with the boat and it somehow worked.

Mike did as he was told and voila, success. We had a coupling. Now I just had to drive around not forgetting I was towing a trailer. I went to the baby store to pick up the furniture, even making some U-turns and was back at the house to accept hugs and kisses from the women in my life. Apparently this sort of thing for a guy - going to multiple shops, making multiple trips, and in sum, going that extra mile - is a rare feat and is rewarded appropriately. Guys usually quit once we find out we have to do more than the absolute minimum. Frankly, I had no choice.

Right now the trailer is parked in the front, ready to go on a journey to Salt Lake City and back over the next two days. Baby stuff moving north, furniture and stuff coming south.

This story isn't over yet. I have 900 miles of danger ahead of me.

Expect an update on Tuesday.