World Cup Kickoff

Today the world cup kicks off.....literally.

I just don't get the world's fascination with "The Beautiful Game."

South Africa is hosting the event and festivities are rampant.... it's a combination of Mardi Gras meets Carnival meets Running with the Bulls with 40% of the fan base being gang members or as they say in the UK, hooligans. You KNOW there is going to be some nefarious, comical, and utterly stupid behavior by fans from all over the globe.





I've always had trouble with soccer. Here are ten of my concerns and as one to not simply criticize and throw my hands up in the air, I do offer a solution to the issue.

Here goes.

1. There isn't enough action. They guys run around like the keystone kops chasing the ball, and if we're lucky, it's a 2-1 game.....after 90 minutes of playing.

As a relunctant coach (nobody else volunteered) of many a youth soccer seasons, our games would end up 7-5 or 10-8.

In one memorable game we were down something like 8-0 in the first half, I ran out to see if the goalie was okay since he was just being pummeled and he lit up and said with a huge smile that was missing some teeth, "Coach, today is my birthday." I hugged him. We got smoked that day, but I'll never forget that kids comment.

Solution: Use a larger goal.

2. The Beautiful Game's timeclock is subject to interpetation by the referee. When the clocks strikes zero (0:00) the game should be over. In all timed sports this is how it works. In fact, in the NBA referees huddle together over last second shots to ensure they left the shooters hand before the buzzer went off. Precision.

This sort of clock tomfoolery allows The Beautiful Game a few minutes or so of drama since no one, at least me, has any idea how much longer the ref will allow play to go on. I'm told, "Well, you have sort of an idea." Me? I need a clock that ticks down to zero.

Soution: If there is a penalty or an injury, do what other sports do, STOP THE CLOCK. What a concept.

3. The card stuff. What's a yellow card for? A red card? Are these like fouls in basketball? Are players fined, suspended?

Solution: Use a box like hockey.

4. Do all UK teams play with beer on the sidelines because they look like they do.



Solution: None needed.

5. Single elimination? Double elimination? What's the damn format? In the NFL you lose, you go home. Soccer? World cup soccer....I have no idea.

Solution: Single Elimination

6. Does the USA have a snowballs chance in hell to win this thing? Because if they lose to England on Saturday (see even I know the schedule), viewship will go down like 90% since Americans own the most television sets. It's true, look it up.

Solution: No idea.

7. How come soccer players can play for multiple teams in multiple leagues all the time? Take David Beckham for example. He plays for the LA Galaxy and is paid a princely sum to do so, however on occasion he is "loaned" to another team in Europe. He also plays for the English National Team. To me, this is the equivalent of Peyton Manning playing in the NFL, opting to leave for a week or so to play in the arena league. Quirky or is that just me?



Solution: Play on one team and your national team like the hockey guys.

8. The fans are fanatical. I recall a goalie giving up goal once and he was later killed by mob of followers. Clearly the IQ level of most soccer fans falls far below that of hockey and MMA fans. I said most.

Solution: No idea.

9. The slave labor thing. 70,000 construction workers who were supposed to be working on the new stadiums walked off their jobs on 8 July 2009. The majority of the workers receive R2500 per month (about £192, €224 or $313), but the unions allege that workers are grossly underpaid.

Solution: Move the games to a country where wages meet or exceed cost of living. (I sound like a liberal....hehehe).

10. And finally, in the words of the immortal Duane Thomas, "If it such a big deal, how come they (only) play it every 4 years?"

Solution: If it is such a big deal, play it every year.


I rest my case.